Anim8rFSK 24 Sep 2008 CSI: Miami Season 7 Episode 1 "Death Wears Ray-Bans" Dramatic music plays over ariel footage of Miami - in slow motion. fade to white Dramatic music plays over ariel footage of an airport in LA, er, Miami - in slow motion. fade to white Dramatic music plays over footage of a private jet in LA, er, Miami - in slow motion. fade to white Dramatic music plays over footage of: HORATIO! Collar open, red hair wind swept, sunglasses on, standing by: a private jet in LA, er, Miami - in slow motion. fade to white ECU of Horatio Caine: Collar open, red hair wind swept. The dramatic music swells dramatically, and, in an unprecedented moment in network television . . . HE TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF! And then looks at the camera, musically, dramatically - in slow motion. fade to white Long shot of Horatio standing by plane, arms at his sides, sunglasses held in his right hand over his manhood. A shot rings out! Horatio twitches in place like a possum on a hot road, dramatically giving us no idea that an impact came from any direction! Perhaps it's a grand mal seizure! His sunglasses never leave his hand! - in slow motion. fade to white Ariel view of plane and Horatio. A lens flare reminds us of the importance of this moment. Horatio stumbles forward and falls to the ground! His sunglasses never leave his outstretched hand - in slow motion! fade to white Close up to a worms eye view of Horatio, on the ground, in a completely different position than in the aerial view. The camera dollies in and THRU THE BULLET HOLE IN HIS GLASSES LENS, framing his oh-so-dead body - in slow motion. *okay, this can only mean one thing -- they shot him in the little Caine! fade to white Dead Horatio's point of view, looking up, as morgue-guy-without-a-name and Mr. Wolfe zip the body bag shut over his oh-so-dead body - in slow motion. fade to white Interior ambulance looking outward as as morgue-guy-without-a-name and Mr. Wolfe wheel in the body bag containing his oh-so-dead body, the CSI Hummer dramatically framed behind them - in slow motion. fade to white The mysterious black ambulance pulls away. Across it reads the lettering: DISPONIBLE EN ESPANOL EN SAP PATROCINADO POR ALEVE which vanishes in a dramatic blue swoosh - in slow motion! cross dissolve to The mysterious black ambulance pulls away even more - in slow motion! fade to white Ryan stands solemnly at the airport, the CSI Hummer dramatically framed behind him, his chest proclaiming PRESENTED IN HD|5.1 which vanishes in a dramatic blue swoosh! - in slow motion. Dramatically, musically, the dramatic music musically ends. Cut to: Dramatic driving music as the second CSI Hummer and two police cars arrive! *um - do they even HAVE two CSI Hummers? They never show them together. Calleigh and Delko spring from the CSI Hummer, and our first dialog of the night ensues: Calleigh: Ryan, what happened! Wolfe: It's . . bad. It's . . not . . . . good. Delko: What do you mean, it's bad, Wolfe? Talk to us? *yes, this is the dialog they worked on all summer Wolfe: Horatio took a round to the chest . . . and . . . I got here too late. Long, dramatic pause. Wolfe: He's gone. Calleigh (shouting): What?? Wolfe: He's dead. Calleigh (crying): Oh my God! Delko stands with his mouth hanging open, drooling (like always) Wolfe: Horatio's dead. Dramatic pause. Wolfe: Listen to me. Horatio's gone. He's dead. Long, dramatic pause. Delko stands with his mouth hanging open, drooling (like always) Suddenly, someone cues Delko to speak! Delko: Where is he? I need to see him! Wolfe: I released the body. Calleigh and Delko, together, dramatically: What?? blather goes on for awhile. Finally Calleigh says: Horatio had enemies, we know that. The graphics department drops down black and white artistic photos of: Ron Saris - the evil new husband of the Showgirls gal that's the mother of the late Horatio's look alike son who looks nothing like him. Agent Evan Caldwell - evil fed Juan Ortega - evil . . something or other. Delko: This must have been someone close! *Um . . . why? The theme music comes up in the background, swelling along with the team's returning determination! The graphics department inserts a shot of Wolfe receiving the mysterious text message "IT'S DONE" in black and white, cleverly and artistically reminding us that he's a suspect too -- and what's more -- he's someone close! Calleigh: We find out who did this. Calleigh: Wind swept hair sweeping, voice rising: WE FIND OUT! In a reverse of the earlier tracking shot, we see Horatio's sunglasses on the tarmac, and dolly through the bullet hole in the lens up to his lifeless body, still in a different position than when it fell, from what can have only been a killing shot to little Horatio, and . . . YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The opening credits include Horatio Calleigh Delko Wolfe Tripp Boobie Vista The evil that slew The 4400 has yet to slither onto the scene. CSI: MIAMI In the morgue, dramatic music and bells toll dramatically as Delko approaches the shrouded lifeless body of the hopelessly dead Horatio Caine. He pulls back the sheet to reveal: a body bag! With a blonde woman! Just as morgue-guy-without-a-name enters the completely unguarded and unoccupied room. Delko asks where Caine is. Morgue-guy-without-a-name says he released the body (again? But that trick NEVER works). Delko asks to who. Morgue-guy-without-a-name says he forgot, but the guy signed a release. Delko makes a dramatic reply and leaves. Without asking to see the release. To find out the name. Back at the airport, Tripp and Calleigh emote. A private jet took off at the time of the shooting, headed for Puerto Rico, with Showgirls chick and son on board. There are no witnesses. Anywhere. To anything. Calleigh and Tripp determinedly renew their determination. Meanwhile, Boobie Vista leans forward into the camera in a very low cut vermillion blouse over the HUGE pool of blood the fatal shot to little Caine left behind. There's a footprint in it, and with her bare breast, er, eye, she notices that a microscopic bit of blood is dryer than the rest! It must be a clue! It can only be from the killer! (Note: As usual, Boobie Vista is wrong. Wonder if her wrong hunch will get anybody killed this time) She rushes it to the lab! Meanwhile, Delko suspects Wolfe of shenanigans. Back at the lab (having abandoned the crime scene after finding her first clue) Boobie Vista watches as someone qualified checks the DNA to reveal it came from BRETT HANSON - who was murdered in jail - yesterday! Whoever killed Horatio walked through Hanson's blood first! A flashback shows DIAZ killing Hanson. Cut to the interrogation room, where they are questioning Diaz, apparently having found him by watching the flashback. Delko tells him to take off his shoe, and, yes, he's still wearing the same shoes he wore in prison (although he changed all his other clothes) still covered with Hanson's and little Caine's blood. Diaz is the only person released from jail in the last 24 hours. He's a known associate of Juan Ortega, who sells fused alloy bullets. Diaz says he was just there to catch a flight and walked in the blood taking a picture to get credit for the hit. Delko assaults Diaz. Calleigh has Diaz' cell phone, looking at the picture of the completely dead Horatio on the tiny screen. She notices in the even tinier image of the pool of blood, the even tinier reflection of the even tinier hangar in the distance, on top of which is a clear image of the even tinier sniper, upside down and backwards. Now they know where the shot came from, which no amount of CSI work could have otherwise determined! (I frankly wanted to see them stick one of those 'laser beams in the wound tract' in little Caine.) A flashback shows that Horatio was shot . . . IN THE BACK! Calleigh finds a band-aid stuck to the railing and recognizes it as the IDENTICAL BAND-AID that the evil Agent Caldwell was wearing this morning. "I think I know who shot Horatio" *From behind, through the sunglasses that were in front of little Caine. Back at CSI headquarters, they interrogate the evil Agent Caldwell. Calleigh accuses the evil Agent Caldwell of killing Horatio because he was jealous and feared Horatio might catch the evil Juan Ortega first! Caldwell puts her down, and quite rightly. But then, in an astonishing turnaround, Calleigh produces the release form for Horatio's body. She ran the name across her database of the handwriting of everyone in the known world and matched it to the evil Agent Caldwell! Caldwell clams up, and Calleigh gets a warrant for his phone. In the computer lab, Delko and Calleigh fire up the holographic screens (Madre de Dios, the Enterprise J didn't have computer interfaces this cool). They find that the evil Agent Caldwell sent a text - IT'S DONE - at the same time that Horatio was irrevocably murdered, by being shot from behind through the sunglasses in front of his crotch. The recipients phone number is shown! Delko runs it through their database of everyone's numbers and . . . wait. No, he doesn't. He freaking CALLS IT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Wolfe's phone rings! Yes, he's standing right behind them, in front of the giant cyan display of his phone number . . . They accost him in the hallway in front of God and everybody. He breaks down and tells them that Horatio is alive! In the hall. In front of everybody. They don't even, you know, go into a conference room or anything. In front of God and everybody, Wolfe spills the entire plot. Morgue-guy-without-a-name was an ATF plant. Ortega was sending Diaz to kill Caine. Caine knew this, and despite Diaz killing somebody else on his way out of jail and being the only person released from prison that entire day, could think of no way to stop it. In a flashback, we see Diaz kill Caine. Which, um, never happened. Saris (and maybe somebody else, at this point Wolfe finally lowers his voice) wanted H dead too. The only way he could survive would be to fake his own death! In a flashback we see the evil Agent Caldwell, Wolfe, and H concoct their clever scheme. Ever gang Ortega sold fused alloy bullets too wants Caine dead! I have no idea why. Caine says somebody else too -- and the graphics department shows the Showgirls gal, the identical twin son that bears no resemblance, and Saris. The plan is to find the fused alloys and take down the entire operation. Only the evil Agent Caldwell can help, for he has a problem with fused alloys (H and C are the only two people in Miami that don't like 'em) and C is a crack shot. We see Wolfe drain a gallon of blood from H and put it in a bag over his heart (under a bullet proof vest) where it will be punctured when Caldwell shoots him in the crotch from behind. Caine tells Wolfe that no one else can know until this is over! We see a replay of Caldwell shooting Caine from in front from behind through the airplane through the sunglasses in the crotch hitting him in the blood bag in the chest. Because nobody ever heard of a squib. "Where is Horatio now?" "He could be anywhere" Horatio illegally enters Saris' house, only to almost be shot by look a like and yet totally different son. Son and Showgirls gal are there, apparently not having escaped on the plane which would have been the safest thing to do, having been in on the plan all along, even though they were chief suspects in wanting Caine dead. And Tripp never thought to look for them, you know, in their own home. H gives Showgirls a key to a safe place because there has been a change of plans (I have no idea what it is) and he's going underground (what the hell? He's going underground from his present status of being DEAD??) and needs "four more hours" Stock shots of Florida. Somebody named Miguel (no relation to the OTHER Miguel in this episode) we may have seen in a previous season drives into the middle of the Everglades to meet Horatio, who's just standing there, miles from anything but gators and gulls. He gives Horatio ten million dollars in cash to get the fused alloy bullets off the street. Horatio says he can't go to the police for the money because his 'situation is complicated' I have no idea why. Miguel leaves Horatio and a metal briefcase with ten million dollars miles from anything but gators and gulls. Delko and the evil Agent Caldwell calmly explain to Juan Ortega that if he doesn't cooperate, they'll simply murder him. Horatio's sister in law and love interest walks up to him in the middle of the Everglades, miles from anything but gators and gulls. Horatio takes off his sunglasses. He tells her the only thing that matters is that Ron Saras believes H is dead. The plan is that sister-in-law gives the money to Saras. "Yelina - be careful." H walks away, into the endless swamp, leaving Yelina and the suitcase with ten million dollars in the middle of the Everglades, miles from anything but gators and gulls. Caldwell and Tripp drive Ortega around in a police car, hoping to get him killed. Gang members with fused alloy rounds shoot up everybody in sight. More deaths on the CSI's hands? Ortega gets away, despite Delko angrily yelling at him not to escape. It turns out that ALL OF THIS WAS A TOTAL COINCIDENCE. The gang members were really robbing an armored car stopped at a traffic light. The light was stuck on read and wouldn't change to green. The CSI Hummer pulls into a parking garage where Delko gets out and starts yelling "H" and H walks out from behind the Hummer, having either ridden there on the rear bumper or teleported in when Delko stopped. Delko says he lost Ortega (I'm still not sure why they let Ortega out of prison to begin with). Delko asks why Horatio trusted Wolfe instead of Delko. Horatio tells him that he only had half a brain to begin with, then lost half of that when he got shot, and he stands around slack jawed drooling all the time, and can't process a crime scene without a cheat sheet, and the only reason H was ever nice to him was to tap his hot sister, 'cause H likes the sickly girls. This makes Delko the obvious choice, so H couldn't choose him - because it might fail, and you don't want failure for the obvious choice. Um - what? And he DOES want failure for Wolfe? Of course, it seems to me that Calleigh is the obvious choice, and if nobody could know, how come Wolfe, Caldwell, Morgue Guy, maybe somebody else in the ambulance, Showgirls and Son and sister in law know? Calleigh and Tripp examine the armored car robbery site. They find skin where the killers cut themselves viciously on the completely round edge safety glass. The DNA girls find the killer! It's the Crypt Kings -- it's not Ortega's gang! Everybody in Miami has fused alloy bullets! The gang killer is interrogated and tells Delko that now that they have the bullets, the cops are all gonna be dead. Horatio, having gone deeper underground from being dead, is FREAKING STANDING THERE IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM. Sister in Law meet with Saras. She gives him the ten million dollars to buy all of Ortega's rounds. He agrees to buy all the bullets from all the other rival gangs Ortega sold them too (why did Ortega do this again?). The plan is: Saras takes the ten million dollars, uses it to buy back all the bullets, and she'll give him . . . ten million dollars. It strikes me that it would be easier to shoot her and keep the ten million you've got NOW. They arrange to meet at the boat he has docked at the marina (there is only one in Florida). We see a pair of sunglasses watching them. Delko and Wolfe follow a blood trail Ortega left when he ran from the armored car robbery. It stops at a parking garage. He must have stolen a car and gotten away! It's a dead end! Back in the lab, Calleigh and Wolfe use the supercomputer to check out the traffic light that wouldn't turn green. It was jammed using a device only available to emergency personnel! Jake Berkeley, ATF agent! In the interrogation room (CSI can bring in even deep undercover agents in a moments notice) Jake admits to being deep undercover with the Crypt Kings. He was assigned the device and it was stolen by a biker a long time ago and it turns out NONE OF THIS IS CONNECTED IN ANY WAY. But as long as he's there anyway, he offers to help. Ilia's theme swells in the background as Jake/Decker says "I'm sorry" and Calleigh/Ilia says "that you left Delta IV, or that you didn't say goodbye?" Saris goes around buying back fused alloy bullets, while sister in law watches from a distance. Saris gives them 'to the penny' double what they payed, even though he has no idea how many rounds he's buying. He says they can do this in the open because with Caine dead, it's the wild wild west. Back at CSI, Wolfe asks Delko if they have anything on Julia Winston's Mercedes. They don't. I have no idea why they're asking unless it's the car Saras is driving, but Yelina is tailing it, and talking to H on the phone. "Where does that leave us?" "Ortega disappeared into thin air and we can't find the fused alloys" *Um. Yelina knows where the fused alloys are. So does H. And what does any of this have to do with Julia Winston's Mercedes?? Wolfe remembers that they have Diaz' cell phone. He theorizes that Ortega stole a car and a cell phone, and his first call would have been to Diaz. They use the supercomputer (in a really cool shot from below the holographic table screen) to dump every call to or from Diaz' phone and wave their hands to sort them all out to find . . . last call received. *Um, my phone defaults to that. On it's own little screen. Only one phone call was received today - from Ortega! *Um. Ortega stole a phone, right? How does Diaz' phone know the call was from Ortega? They ping the stolen phone and find it's at an airstrip at the edge of the everglades - and so is Delko! *Well, no, he's not, he's at CSI, but that's what he said, so just go with it. The CSI Hummer races up and they catch Ortega getting into a helicopter! H is there, being even MORE undercover than being in the interrogation room! Ortega says "I didn't do it Caine!!" (do what?) Ortega tells H that Saris hijacked everything, and H doesn't know the half of it! H says 'thanks' and walks away . . . and no one ever finds out what Ortega was willing to say. Evil Agent Caldwell tells H that that takes care of Ortega and saved the ATF a bundle. Nice job! H tells evil Agent Caldwell that the fused alloy bullets are still on the street! Evil Agent Caldwell is shocked! I have no idea why! Caine leaves him and races off to: The Marina. The only one in Florida. Back at CSI, Jake brings Calleigh a bag of guns. Calleigh is shocked to see him, even though she was waiting for him. He's brought her all the guns used in the armored car robbery. She says that if she can match a round, then they'll know that they were the guns used in the armored car robbery. Um, the ATF agent who gave you the guns already TOLD you that. He says "wow, if you match them, then we'll have them!" BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THEY DID IT! WITH THESE GUNS! The gang is after him for stealing the guns. The AFT will hide him for 6 months (gangs have short lifespan vendettas in Miami) and asks her to wait. She says no. They kiss. Once again he leaves Delta IV, and doesn't even say goodbye. Back to: The Marina. The only one in Florida. Showgirls is making out with Saris, on his boat full of boxes of fused alloy bullets (tops open so you can see the contents). His face is all messed up. He says he "had an altercation with a punk" -- this is something we didn't see, and doesn't matter, and is never mentioned again. Saris say Horatio is dead to them. She points out he doesn't need to do any of this since she's a millionaire to start with . . . (wasn't he gonna kill her for her money?) She says she want's a divorce. Horatio appears 10 feet from the boat, gun raised! Showgirls gets behind him, Saris goes for his gun! Horatio gets right next to the boat and shoots the propane tank, blowing the entire thing to hell in a fireball that extends a hundred feet in the air and twenty feet in every direction, incinerating everything except Horatio, who stand there unscathed, almost as if he were in front of a green screen. Aftermath. Delko says they can't find Saris' body in the flaming wreckage of the only marina in Florida. Delko: We've searched everywhere *well, not in the water and there's still no body. H: We're gonna keep looking Erik. D: I'm with ya, H. Whaddya wanna do? H: Whatever it takes. *except, you know, looking in the water We'll find him. D: You and me? (wow. Oscar Wilde only WISHED he were this gay) H: (putting on sunglasses) You and me, Erik. D: (shouting to H who's walking away) This never ends, does it? H: (shouting back, walking with his hand on his hip to show off his badge and pointing to little H) And it never will! He walks away in slow motion, looking at the camera, while Delko watches lovingly. THE END *Ya know, that would have been an okay series ending scene, but for a season premiere?