CSI: Miami - Season 7 Ep 1 - "The Recap"

TV Arts

Anim8rFSK
CSI: Miami
Season 7
Episode 1
"Death Wears Ray-Bans"

Dramatic music plays over ariel footage of Miami - in slow motion.
fade to white
Dramatic music plays over ariel footage of an airport in LA, er,  Miami 
- in slow motion.
fade to white
Dramatic music plays over footage of a private jet in LA, er,  Miami - 
in slow motion.
fade to white
Dramatic music plays over footage of:
HORATIO!
Collar open, red hair wind swept, sunglasses on, standing by:
a private jet in LA, er,  Miami - in slow motion.
fade to white
ECU of Horatio Caine:  Collar open, red hair wind swept.
The dramatic music swells dramatically, and, in an unprecedented moment 
in network television . . . HE TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF!  And then looks 
at the camera, musically, dramatically - in slow motion.
fade to white
Long shot of Horatio standing by plane, arms at his sides, sunglasses 
held in his right hand over his manhood.  A shot rings out!  Horatio 
twitches in place like a possum on a hot road, dramatically giving us no 
idea that an impact came from any direction!  Perhaps it's a grand mal 
seizure!  His sunglasses never leave his hand! - in slow motion.
fade to white
Ariel view of plane and Horatio.  A lens flare reminds us of the 
importance of this moment.  Horatio stumbles forward and falls to the 
ground!  His sunglasses never leave his outstretched hand - in slow 
motion!
fade to white
Close up to a worms eye view of Horatio, on the ground, in a completely 
different position than in the aerial view.  The camera dollies in and 
THRU THE BULLET HOLE IN HIS GLASSES LENS, framing his oh-so-dead body - 
in slow motion.

*okay, this can only mean one thing -- they shot him in the little Caine!

fade to white
Dead Horatio's point of view, looking up, as morgue-guy-without-a-name 
and Mr. Wolfe zip the body bag shut over his oh-so-dead body - in slow 
motion.
fade to white
Interior ambulance looking outward as as morgue-guy-without-a-name and 
Mr. Wolfe wheel in the body bag containing his oh-so-dead body, the CSI 
Hummer dramatically framed behind them - in slow motion.
fade to white
The mysterious black ambulance pulls away.  Across it reads the 
lettering:
DISPONIBLE EN ESPANOL EN SAP
PATROCINADO POR
ALEVE
which vanishes in a dramatic blue swoosh - in slow motion!
cross dissolve to
The mysterious black ambulance pulls away even more - in slow motion!
fade to white
Ryan stands solemnly at the airport, the CSI Hummer dramatically framed 
behind him, his chest proclaiming
PRESENTED IN HD|5.1 which vanishes in a dramatic blue swoosh!
 - in slow motion.
Dramatically, musically, the dramatic music musically ends.
Cut to:
Dramatic driving music as the second CSI Hummer and two police cars 
arrive!

*um - do they even HAVE two CSI Hummers?  They never show them together.

Calleigh and Delko spring from the CSI Hummer, and our first dialog of 
the night ensues:
Calleigh:  Ryan, what happened!
Wolfe:  It's . . bad.  It's . . not . . . . good.
Delko:  What do you mean, it's bad, Wolfe?  Talk to us?

*yes, this is the dialog they worked on all summer

Wolfe:  Horatio took a round to the chest . . . and . . . I got here too 
late.
Long, dramatic pause.
Wolfe:  He's gone.
Calleigh (shouting): What??
Wolfe:  He's dead.
Calleigh (crying):  Oh my God!
Delko stands with his mouth hanging open, drooling (like always)
Wolfe:  Horatio's dead.
Dramatic pause.
Wolfe:  Listen to me.  Horatio's gone.  He's dead.
Long, dramatic pause.
Delko stands with his mouth hanging open, drooling (like always)
Suddenly, someone cues Delko to speak!
Delko:  Where is he?  I need to see him!
Wolfe:  I released the body.
Calleigh and Delko, together, dramatically:  What??
blather goes on for awhile.  Finally Calleigh says: Horatio had enemies, 
we know that.
The graphics department drops down black and white artistic photos of:
Ron Saris - the evil new husband of the Showgirls gal that's the mother 
of the late Horatio's look alike son who looks nothing like him.
Agent Evan Caldwell - evil fed
Juan Ortega - evil . . something or other.

Delko:  This must have been someone close!

*Um . . . why?

The theme music comes up in the background, swelling along with the 
team's returning determination!

The graphics department inserts a shot of Wolfe receiving the mysterious 
text message "IT'S DONE" in black and white, cleverly and artistically 
reminding us that he's a suspect too -- and what's more -- he's someone 
close!

Calleigh:  We find out who did this.
Calleigh:  Wind swept hair sweeping, voice rising:  WE FIND OUT!

In a reverse of the earlier tracking shot, we see Horatio's sunglasses 
on the tarmac, and dolly through the bullet hole in the lens up to his 
lifeless body, still in a different position than when it fell, from 
what can have only been a killing shot to little Horatio, and . . .

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The opening credits include
Horatio
Calleigh
Delko
Wolfe
Tripp
Boobie Vista

The evil that slew The 4400 has yet to slither onto the scene.

CSI:
MIAMI

In the morgue, dramatic music and bells toll dramatically as Delko 
approaches the shrouded lifeless body of the hopelessly dead Horatio 
Caine.  He pulls back the sheet to reveal:  a body bag!  With a blonde 
woman!  Just as morgue-guy-without-a-name enters the completely 
unguarded and unoccupied room.  Delko asks where Caine is.  
Morgue-guy-without-a-name says he released the body (again?  But that 
trick NEVER works).  Delko asks to who.  Morgue-guy-without-a-name says 
he forgot, but the guy signed a release.  Delko makes a dramatic reply 
and leaves.  Without asking to see the release.  To find out the name.

Back at the airport, Tripp and Calleigh emote.  A private jet took off 
at the time of the shooting, headed for Puerto Rico, with Showgirls 
chick and son on board.  There are no witnesses.  Anywhere.  To 
anything.  Calleigh and Tripp determinedly renew their determination.

Meanwhile, Boobie Vista leans forward into the camera in a very low cut 
vermillion blouse over the HUGE pool of blood the fatal shot to little 
Caine left behind.  There's a footprint in it, and with her bare breast, 
er, eye, she notices that a microscopic bit of blood is dryer than the 
rest!  It must be a clue!  It can only be from the killer!  (Note:  As 
usual, Boobie Vista is wrong.  Wonder if her wrong hunch will get 
anybody killed this time)  She rushes it to the lab!  Meanwhile, Delko 
suspects Wolfe of shenanigans.

Back at the lab (having abandoned the crime scene after finding her 
first clue) Boobie Vista watches as someone qualified checks the DNA to 
reveal it came from BRETT HANSON - who was murdered in jail - 
yesterday!  Whoever killed Horatio walked through Hanson's blood first!

A flashback shows DIAZ killing Hanson.  Cut to the interrogation room, 
where they are questioning Diaz, apparently having found him by watching 
the flashback.  Delko tells him to take off his shoe, and, yes, he's 
still wearing the same shoes he wore in prison (although he changed all 
his other clothes) still covered with Hanson's and little Caine's blood.

Diaz is the only person released from jail in the last 24 hours.  He's a 
known associate of Juan Ortega, who sells fused alloy bullets.  Diaz 
says he was just there to catch a flight and walked in the blood taking 
a picture to get credit for the hit.

Delko assaults Diaz.

Calleigh has Diaz' cell phone, looking at the picture of the completely 
dead Horatio on the tiny screen.  She notices in the even tinier image 
of the pool of blood, the even tinier reflection of the even tinier 
hangar in the distance, on top of which is a clear image of the even 
tinier sniper, upside down and backwards.

Now they know where the shot came from, which no amount of CSI work 
could have otherwise determined!  (I frankly wanted to see them stick 
one of those 'laser beams in the wound tract' in little Caine.)  A 
flashback shows that Horatio was shot . . . IN THE BACK!  Calleigh finds 
a band-aid stuck to the railing and recognizes it as the IDENTICAL 
BAND-AID that the evil Agent Caldwell was wearing this morning.

"I think I know who shot Horatio"

*From behind, through the sunglasses that were in front of little Caine.

Back at CSI headquarters, they interrogate the evil Agent Caldwell.

Calleigh accuses the evil Agent Caldwell of killing Horatio because he 
was jealous and feared Horatio might catch the evil Juan Ortega first!  
Caldwell puts her down, and quite rightly.  But then, in an astonishing 
turnaround, Calleigh produces the release form for Horatio's body.  She 
ran the name across her database of the handwriting of everyone in the 
known world and matched it to the evil Agent Caldwell!  Caldwell clams 
up, and Calleigh gets a warrant for his phone.

In the computer lab, Delko and Calleigh fire up the holographic screens 
(Madre de Dios, the Enterprise J didn't have computer interfaces this 
cool).  They find that the evil Agent Caldwell sent a text - IT'S DONE - 
at the same time that Horatio was irrevocably murdered, by being shot 
from behind through the sunglasses in front of his crotch.  The 
recipients phone number is shown!  Delko runs it through their database 
of everyone's numbers and . . . wait.  No, he doesn't.  He freaking 
CALLS IT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.  Wolfe's phone rings!  Yes, he's standing 
right behind them, in front of the giant cyan display of his phone 
number . . .

They accost him in the hallway in front of God and everybody.  He breaks 
down and tells them that Horatio is alive!  In the hall.  In front of 
everybody.  They don't even, you know, go into a conference room or 
anything.

In front of God and everybody, Wolfe spills the entire plot.  
Morgue-guy-without-a-name was an ATF plant.  Ortega was sending Diaz to 
kill Caine.  Caine knew this, and despite Diaz killing somebody else on 
his way out of jail and being the only person released from prison that 
entire day, could think of no way to stop it.  In a flashback, we see 
Diaz kill Caine.  Which, um, never happened.  Saris (and maybe somebody 
else, at this point Wolfe finally lowers his voice) wanted H dead too.  
The only way he could survive would be to fake his own death!  In a 
flashback we see the evil Agent Caldwell, Wolfe, and H concoct their 
clever scheme.  Ever gang Ortega sold fused alloy bullets too wants 
Caine dead!  I have no idea why.  Caine says somebody else too -- and 
the graphics department shows the Showgirls gal, the identical twin son 
that bears no resemblance, and Saris.  The plan is to find the fused 
alloys and take down the entire operation.  Only the evil Agent Caldwell 
can help, for he has a problem with fused alloys (H and C are the only 
two people in Miami that don't like 'em) and C is a crack shot.  We see 
Wolfe drain a gallon of blood from H and put it in a bag over his heart 
(under a bullet proof vest) where it will be punctured when Caldwell 
shoots him in the crotch from behind.  Caine tells Wolfe that no one 
else can know until this is over!  We see a replay of Caldwell shooting 
Caine from in front from behind through the airplane through the 
sunglasses in the crotch hitting him in the blood bag in the chest.

Because nobody ever heard of a squib.

"Where is Horatio now?"

"He could be anywhere"

Horatio illegally enters Saris' house, only to almost be shot by look a 
like and yet totally different son.  Son and Showgirls gal are there, 
apparently not having escaped on the plane which would have been the 
safest thing to do, having been in on the plan all along, even though 
they were chief suspects in wanting Caine dead.  And Tripp never thought 
to look for them, you know, in their own home.  H gives Showgirls a key 
to a safe place because there has been a change of plans (I have no idea 
what it is) and he's going underground (what the hell?  He's going 
underground from his present status of being DEAD??) and needs "four 
more hours"

Stock shots of Florida.

Somebody named Miguel (no relation to the OTHER Miguel in this episode)  
we may have seen in a previous season drives into the middle of the 
Everglades to meet Horatio, who's just standing there, miles from 
anything but gators and gulls.  He gives Horatio ten million dollars in 
cash to get the fused alloy bullets off the street.  Horatio says he 
can't go to the police for the money because his 'situation is 
complicated'

I have no idea why.

Miguel leaves Horatio and a metal briefcase with ten million dollars 
miles from anything but gators and gulls.

Delko and the evil Agent Caldwell calmly explain to Juan Ortega that if 
he doesn't cooperate, they'll simply murder him.

Horatio's sister in law and love interest walks up to him in the middle 
of the Everglades, miles from anything but gators and gulls.

Horatio takes off his sunglasses.

He tells her the only thing that matters is that Ron Saras believes H is 
dead.  The plan is that sister-in-law gives the money to Saras.  "Yelina 
- be careful."

H walks away, into the endless swamp, leaving Yelina and the suitcase 
with ten million dollars in the middle of the Everglades, miles from 
anything but gators and gulls.

Caldwell and Tripp drive Ortega around in a police car, hoping to get 
him killed.  Gang members with fused alloy rounds shoot up everybody in 
sight.  More deaths on the CSI's hands?  Ortega gets away, despite Delko 
angrily yelling at him not to escape.

It turns out that ALL OF THIS WAS A TOTAL COINCIDENCE.  The gang members 
were really robbing an armored car stopped at a traffic light.  The 
light was stuck on read and wouldn't change to green.

The CSI Hummer pulls into a parking garage where Delko gets out and 
starts yelling "H" and H walks out from behind the Hummer, having either 
ridden there on the rear bumper or teleported in when Delko stopped.  
Delko says he lost Ortega (I'm still not sure why they let Ortega out of 
prison to begin with).  Delko asks why Horatio trusted Wolfe instead of 
Delko.  Horatio tells him that he only had half a brain to begin with, 
then lost half of that when he got shot, and he stands around slack 
jawed drooling all the time, and can't process a crime scene without a 
cheat sheet, and the only reason H was ever nice to him was to tap his 
hot sister, 'cause H likes the sickly girls.  This makes Delko the 
obvious choice, so H couldn't choose him - because it might fail, and 
you don't want failure for the obvious choice.

Um - what?  And he DOES want failure for Wolfe?

Of course, it seems to me that Calleigh is the obvious choice, and if 
nobody could know, how come Wolfe, Caldwell, Morgue Guy, maybe somebody 
else in the ambulance, Showgirls and Son and sister in law know?

Calleigh and Tripp examine the armored car robbery site.  They find skin 
where the killers cut themselves viciously on the completely round edge 
safety glass.  The DNA girls find the killer!  It's the Crypt Kings -- 
it's not Ortega's gang!  Everybody in Miami has fused alloy bullets!

The gang killer is interrogated and tells Delko that now that they have 
the bullets, the cops are all gonna be dead.  Horatio, having gone 
deeper underground from being dead, is FREAKING STANDING THERE IN THE 
INTERROGATION ROOM.

Sister in Law meet with Saras.  She gives him the ten million dollars to 
buy all of Ortega's rounds.  He agrees to buy all the bullets from all 
the other rival gangs Ortega sold them too (why did Ortega do this 
again?).  The plan is:  Saras takes the ten million dollars, uses it to 
buy back all the bullets, and she'll give him . . . ten million 
dollars.  It strikes me that it would be easier to shoot her and keep 
the ten million you've got NOW.  They arrange to meet at the boat he has 
docked at the marina (there is only one in Florida).  We see a pair of 
sunglasses watching them.

Delko and Wolfe follow a blood trail Ortega left when he ran from the 
armored car robbery.  It stops at a parking garage.  He must have stolen 
a car and gotten away!  It's a dead end!

Back in the lab, Calleigh and Wolfe use the supercomputer to check out 
the traffic light that wouldn't turn green.  It was jammed using a 
device only available to emergency personnel!  Jake Berkeley, ATF agent!

In the interrogation room (CSI can bring in even deep undercover agents 
in a moments notice) Jake admits to being deep undercover with the Crypt 
Kings.  He was assigned the device and it was stolen by a biker a long 
time ago and it turns out NONE OF THIS IS CONNECTED IN ANY WAY.  But as 
long as he's there anyway, he offers to help.  Ilia's theme swells in 
the background as Jake/Decker says "I'm sorry" and Calleigh/Ilia says 
"that you left Delta IV, or that you didn't say goodbye?"

Saris goes around buying back fused alloy bullets, while sister in law 
watches from a distance.  Saris gives them 'to the penny' double what 
they payed, even though he has no idea how many rounds he's buying.  He 
says they can do this in the open because with Caine dead, it's the wild 
wild west.

Back at CSI, Wolfe asks Delko if they have anything on Julia Winston's 
Mercedes.  They don't.  I have no idea why they're asking unless it's 
the car Saras is driving, but Yelina is tailing it, and talking to H on 
the phone.  

"Where does that leave us?"

"Ortega disappeared into thin air and we can't find the fused alloys"

*Um.  Yelina knows where the fused alloys are.  So does H.  And what 
does any of this have to do with Julia Winston's Mercedes??

Wolfe remembers that they have Diaz' cell phone.  He theorizes that 
Ortega stole a car and a cell phone, and his first call would have been 
to Diaz.  They use the supercomputer (in a really cool shot from below 
the holographic table screen) to dump every call to or from Diaz' phone 
and wave their hands to sort them all out to find . . . last call 
received.  

*Um, my phone defaults to that.  On it's own little screen.  

Only one phone call was received today - from Ortega!  

*Um.  Ortega stole a phone, right?  How does Diaz' phone know the call 
was from Ortega? 

They ping the stolen phone and find it's at an airstrip at the edge of 
the everglades - and so is Delko!

*Well, no, he's not, he's at CSI, but that's what he said, so just go 
with it.

The CSI Hummer races up and they catch Ortega getting into a 
helicopter!  H is there, being even MORE undercover than being in the 
interrogation room!  Ortega says "I didn't do it Caine!!" (do what?)  
Ortega tells H that Saris hijacked everything, and H doesn't know the 
half of it!  H says 'thanks' and walks away . . . and no one ever finds 
out what Ortega was willing to say.

Evil Agent Caldwell tells H that that takes care of Ortega and saved the 
ATF a bundle.  Nice job!  H tells evil Agent Caldwell that the fused 
alloy bullets are still on the street!  Evil Agent Caldwell is shocked!  
I have no idea why!  Caine leaves him and races off to:

The Marina.  The only one in Florida.

Back at CSI, Jake brings Calleigh a bag of guns.  Calleigh is shocked to 
see him, even though she was waiting for him.  He's brought her all the 
guns used in the armored car robbery.  She says that if she can match a 
round, then they'll know that they were the guns used in the armored car 
robbery.  Um, the ATF agent who gave you the guns already TOLD you 
that.  He says "wow, if you match them, then we'll have them!"  BUT YOU 
ALREADY KNEW THEY DID IT!  WITH THESE GUNS!

The gang is after him for stealing the guns.  The AFT will hide him for 
6 months (gangs have short lifespan vendettas in Miami) and asks her to 
wait.  She says no.  They kiss.  Once again he leaves Delta IV, and 
doesn't even say goodbye.

Back to:
The Marina.  The only one in Florida.

Showgirls is making out with Saris, on his boat full of boxes of fused 
alloy bullets (tops open so you can see the contents).  His face is all 
messed up.  He says he "had an altercation with a punk" -- this is 
something we didn't see, and doesn't matter, and is never mentioned 
again.  Saris say Horatio is dead to them.  She points out he doesn't 
need to do any of this since she's a millionaire to start with . . . 
(wasn't he gonna kill her for her money?)

She says she want's a divorce.  Horatio appears 10 feet from the boat, 
gun raised!  Showgirls gets behind him, Saris goes for his gun!  Horatio 
gets right next to the boat and shoots the propane tank, blowing the 
entire thing to hell in a fireball that extends a hundred feet in the 
air and twenty feet in every direction, incinerating everything except 
Horatio, who stand there unscathed, almost as if he were in front of a 
green screen.

Aftermath.  Delko says they can't find Saris' body in the flaming 
wreckage of the only marina in Florida.  

Delko:  We've searched everywhere
*well, not in the water
and there's still no body.

H:  We're gonna keep looking Erik.

D:  I'm with ya, H.  Whaddya wanna do?

H:  Whatever it takes.
*except, you know, looking in the water
We'll find him.

D:  You and me?  (wow.  Oscar Wilde only WISHED he were this gay)

H: (putting on sunglasses)  You and me, Erik.

D:  (shouting to H who's walking away) This never ends, does it?

H:  (shouting back, walking with his hand on his hip to show off his 
badge and pointing to little H) And it never will!

He walks away in slow motion, looking at the camera, while Delko watches 
lovingly.

THE END



*Ya know, that would have been an okay series ending scene, but for a 
season premiere?
                                            
Kestra
I read the whole thing and it was very funny.
Nice ST:TMP reference.

I have given up on CSI:Miami.  I can't take the writing any more.

Kes
                                            
Anim8rFSK
Star Trek reference praise coming from Kes!  I love it!!  :)
                                            
Ken
I saw the video of the ep just to see the opening. I didn't realize Horatio 
could "dance" so well. It was hilarious.
                                            
Mac
Never thought of it that way. LOL  That part, I *do* have recorded,
since I went over a minute or two from the 8PM-10PM block.