Defying Gravity - Episode 9 - 9/18/09 - "Eve Ate the Apple" - Spoilers Ahoy!

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Anim8rFSK
Defying Gravity - Episode 9 - 9/18/09 - "Eve Ate the Apple" - Spoilers 
Ahoy!

Previously on Defiling Gravity:

They blame the hallucinations on the HALOs
No one believes them
WhoreGirl never wore her HALO
Everybody believes her
The horrible screams of AbortionGirl's murdered fetus lead her and 
MadDucks to Pod 4, home of the mysterious BETA
The BERTRAM corporation turns out to be the mission's own personal 
DHARMA initiative.  ASBWhisperer works for them.  Nobody is surprised.
THE TOMATOES GROW IN A HELIX!  THAT MEANS THEY'RE FRACTAL!  FRACTAL I 
TELL YOU, FRACTAL!
They open Pod 4, home of the mysterious BETA
Everyone is flooded with orange light, and stares in rapturous silence 
as though beholding the face of God, except Jen, the everyday 
abortionist.

Tonight on Defiling Gravity:
Hawk Creek Radio Observatory - September 16, 2038
2 bored listeners pick up a mysterious signal. Technobabble is 
exchanged.  The signal is coming from Mars and - my God - IT'S LINEARLY 
POLARIZED!
A second signal is coming from Peru (the other location their radio 
telescope is pointed at) and - my God - IT'S LINEARLY POLARIZED TOO!
That can only mean the signals are linked!
"We're gonna need DOS auto correlation on both signals.
Mars is Alpha.
Peru is Beta."

14 years and 6 weeks  later
On board the Antares, everybody stares in rapturous silence at the 
orange light!
Silently, they enter Pod 4, home of the mysterious BETA
Inside, they are bathed in orange light!
CapCom stares in rapturous silence with them as somehow they're able to 
follow the crew.  One by one everyone at CapCom stands as though in 
church!
And now we see what's inside Pod 4, home of the mysterious BETA
And
It's


wait for it



NOTHING

IT'S AN EMPTY CARGO POD
A big empty square room in a cylindrical housing (how efficient)
And everyone everywhere is staring in rapturous silence at the insides 
of an empty standard issue cargo pod full of orange light.

There are 7 container doors scattered randomly on the walls, lit with 
orange light (that can't be seen until you enter the pod, so they were 
just staring at the blank back wall last week).  6 are empty.  One has a 
light on it!

MissionCommander pushes the button next to the door.  The orange lights 
go out!  The door opens!  And the room is filled with the source of the 
orange light - GREEN LIGHT!

Inside what looks like a microwave oven, a floating chrome half eaten 
Jelly Baby radiates green light!

They're all amazed!  And reach unsustainable conclusions!  It's 
beautiful!  It's singing!  It's organic!  It looks like molten lava!  
(if molten lava looked like a floating chrome half eaten Jelly Baby 
radiating green light)

Everybody in CapCom can see inside the microwave.  They are immediately 
given Level 12 security clearance.

PornGuy says the shape is Fractal!  FRACTAL I TELL YOU, FRACTAL!
Like the tomatoes!  FRACTAL I TELL YOU, FRACTAL!
The whales sing!  But the sound isn't coming from BETA!
They wander away, and we see that Jen sees an empty microwave oven.

Our heroes follow the whale song to the observation lounge, where they 
realize the sound is coming from Venus, which looks to be off to the 
side of the ship as though they just went past it!  Except that last 
week they followed the whale song to the pod . . . They're all amazed!  
And reach unsustainable conclusions! 

CapCom briefs the Antares on their mission!

5 years earlier (to the day)

CapCom briefs the potential crew and press on the mission!  
MissionCommander and MadDucks are not to speak to the press!  EvilBoss 
wants them off the mission!

ASBWhisperer tells MissionCommander and MadDucks to play along, because 
nothing matters but what she thinks.

5 years later (to the day)
Goss explains that 15 years ago the stuff we already saw in the 
flashback to 14 years ago happened.  The Alpha signal from Mars was 
answered by the Beta signal from the plains of Nazca in Peru!

(Oh, dear sweet mother of God.  Not Nazca.  Not von Dniken.  Not 
"Chariots of the Gods" - anything but that.  Anything!)

The rest of the story comes from Eve, the mysterious ASBWhisperer.  An 
endless boring backstory ensues, about her personal tragedies and the 
Nazca tragedies and how she worked on the relief effort.  She was so 
tired, poor baby, blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.

Finally she starts hearing music that nobody else hears; a violin song 
she thought she composed as a child which led her to become a virtuoso.

Night after night, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

Finally she snaps, milliseconds before the audience would have, and 
walks toward the source of the music, like most people would have done 
on night one.  She starts to dig.  The black helicopters arrive!

Captured by Disney, er, Dharma, er, Bertram, she's interrogated 
ruthlessly (I wonder where Ruth is?) and spills the beans!  She was 
trying to find the music!  They ask where she heard the music coming 
from, it not occurring to them that maybe it's WHERE SHE WAS FREAKING 
DIGGING WHEN THEY CAUGHT HER.

They dig a big albeit not deep hole.  Suddenly the music stops and 
orange light bursts into the sky!  Rising from the hole, a floating 
chrome half eaten Jelly Baby radiates the source of the orange light - 
GREEN LIGHT!

Eve blathers about how beautiful it is, blah blah blah, yadda yadda 
yadda.  The evil Bertram corporation tells her to never tell anybody 
anything and walk home.  "I didn't walk - I ran!"

Eve tells everybody what the normal reaction is to experiencing 
something like this.  Um - something like THIS???  Where the Hell did 
she get her baseline?

Beta was taken to Nevada (Oh, dear sweet mother of God.  Not Nevada.  
Not Groom Lake.  Not "Area 51" - anything but that.  Anything!) where it 
was found to be organic (AbortionGirl said that at a glance) and 
composed of elements not found on our chart!  It's shape and movement is 
mathematically fractal!  FRACTAL I TELL YOU, FRACTAL!

There are seven of these things singing space whale songs:
Alpha - Mars
Beta - Peru
Gamma - Venus
Delta - Mercury
Epsilon - Europa (All these worlds are yours, except Europa.  Attempt no 
landing there!)
Zeta on the rings of Saturn
Eta - Pluto

The goal of the Antares mission is to pick them up!  No one knows why!

Jen's husband knew the story all along.  Jen be unhappy.  He's seen it 
too.  He says "it looks what it looks like" -- gee, that's helpful.  In 
all these years, none of them asked the others what they were seeing.

5 years earlier (to the day)

BarfGirl spouts her religious crap to the press.

5 years later (to the day)

BarfGirl runs to her room and buries herself in her Bible.

5 years earlier (to the day)

AbortionGirl tells the press she wants to find a link to the neighboring 
planets.

5 years later (to the day)

AbortionGirl stares into the source of the orange light - GREEN LIGHT!

5 years earlier (to the day)

PornGuy tells the press he wouldn't have squat to do on the mission if 
selected.

5 years later (to the day)

PornGuy doesn't do squat on the mission.
WhoreGirl works out

5 years earlier (to the day)

WhoreGirl tells the press she wants to push herself.
Jen tells the press she wants to discover alien life forms.

5 years later (to the day)

Jen stares at THE TOMATOES THAT GROW IN A HELIX!  THAT MEANS THEY'RE 
FRACTAL!  FRACTAL I TELL YOU, FRACTAL!

AbortionGirl and Madducks stare into the source of the orange light - 
GREEN LIGHT!  MadDucks points out that since the thing is radioactive, 
maybe she shouldn't be standing there.  What's it gonna do, sterilize 
her?

BarfGirl buries herself in her Bible.

PornGuy says IT'S FRACTAL!  FRACTAL OBJECT FRACTAL TOMATOES FRACTAL 
MUSIC!  FRACTAL I TELL YOU, FRACTAL!




Not "The Rapture" - anything but that.  Anything!)

Anyone that doesn't hear the Lord's trumpet will be damned!  Jen is not 
happy.  WhoreGirl just wants the damn whale song to stop, but not nearly 
as bad as the viewers do.

AJ starts spouting Chariots of the Gods nonsense.  Nobody hits him in 
the head with a brick.

5 years earlier (to the day)

BritishDanRather press asks AJ why not just send robots; AJ blathers 
nonsense about destiny.

5 years later (to the day)

CapCom has new landing sites for every planet (why??) but hasn't 
uploaded them to the Antares yet.

MissionCommander doesn't trust his wife (gee, that spaceship sailed less 
than a dozen parsecs ago)

Eve blathers some more about how hard it's been on her, jumping between 
14 years ago that they say is 15, 5 years ago (to the day) and 'now'

CrazySpaceDoc asks if Eve's hallucinations were rooted in tragedy, 
'cause his were.  All their hallucinations are deeply rooted in personal 
guilt!  Which explains why MadDucks is seeing naked pregnant 
AbortionGirl floating in vacuum (huh?).  It's why Eve never played the 
violin again!  Beta knows her guilt!  Beta knows all their guilt!

PornGuy hasn't had a hallucination yet!

MadDucks admits his hallucination is guilt related!

AbortionGirl admits her hallucination is guilt related!

Jen says she hasn't had a hallucination!

BarfGirl, having completely descended into madness, says all her sins 
are forgiven, so she has no guilt.

13 years ago

Beta is dying!  It's pining for the ASBWhisperer!  Disney, er Dharma, er 
Bertram recruits Eve to keep it company!

13 years later

The crew says "this is science" -- the audience laughs hysterically.  
Jen is unimpressed.

BritishDanRather press tries to get the truth out of AJ's buddy with the 
limp, and explains the space program is evil 'cause the money should be 
better spent on social programs than space exploration.  If LimpGuy 
blabs, it will be bad, because news of alien life will cause total 
economic collapse!  Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping 
instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed 
of light!  Total protonic reversal!

Porn guy tells AbortionGirl about sex and bologna sandwiches, disgusting 
BarfGirl.

AJ tells MadDucks that they won't get the landing sites until they reach 
each planet.

WhoreGirl figures out how to find the landing sites on their own.  The 
landing site on Mars is where it all began!  History is repeating 
itself!  The original Mars mission was to pick up Alpha!  Everything 
they know is a lie!

In the science lab, Jen has cut down the tomato plants, destroying the 
fractals, every piece of which is identical to the whole, so by cutting 
them, they're destroyed!

At CapCom, everybody gets new level 12 ID badges.  They don't have to 
turn in their old ones though; should fetch a bundle on EBay.

On the Antares, they have lots of tomatoes!

In Pod 4, home of the mysterious BETA, Jen stares into the source of the 
orange light - GREEN LIGHT!  AbortionGirl joins her 'cause it's nice to 
bath in the radiation and stare at a floating chrome half eaten Jelly 
Baby radiating green light.

Eve plays the violin.

Jen sees an empty microwave.
                                            
Dimensional
<massive snip>

Gurk, *choke*, errr, *horrified silence*, *small popping sound as brain 
implodes*
                                            
Anim8rFSK
That's why I needed a pre snark nap.
                                            
Dimensional
The only thought I have that might be considered coherent about this is 
"We're going to have to put up with a lot of shit writing like that for 
a few years because of 'Lost'."
                                            
Anim8rFSK
Abrams has much to answer for.