Real Housewives of NYC: The Horrors of Home Design

TV Arts

By Richard

      It happened again last night! Six strange women crawled, 
Ringu-like, out of my television and nestled their weathered and brittle 
frames against me. It was both terrifying and oddly pleasant. Let me 

      When an episode of the Real Housewives begins with people fighting 
over who should hold a bag of shit, it might be time to pack it up, turn 
off the lights, and lock the door. Because you've just summed up the 
entire show in one two minute segment. "Here you take the shit." "No, 
you." "Not in the Porsche!" "Aieee!" In the Hamptons, on the side of the 
road. Arguing about dog shit. Really, there's no need to go on. But I 
will anyway!

      Those two shit-arguers were none other than Ramona—a wisp of the 
magical Golden Fleece that Jason absent-mindedly snipped off, that flew 
into the air, and over thousands of years mixed with rain particles and 
the dried-up wings of mud daubers to become a lady, animate—and 
Bethenny, the skinnygirl cook who spends a lot of time complaining about 
women she spends a lot of time with. They were enjoying a late summer 
stroll, before the Hamptons shutters for the season and all the townies 
emerge from their hurricane hideaways and tornado shelters to see what 
damage has been wreaked. (One fall, they thought they were free, but 
then they heard a low Jurassic moan and out of the bushes stomped the 
Barefoot Contessa. And she never left.)

      Also enjoying the Hermptinz was the Countess Crackerjacks, who was 
walking around her house, which was full of dead animals. Much like the 
scene in the O.G. Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the girl who eventually 
gets impaled on the meat hook runs into the house and sees all the bones 
hanging and screams and screams and screams, poor Rosie the Maid 
(Misssstah J!) had to wander the manse, screeching at carcasses and then 
burying them in the yard with makeshift crosses, as if they'd died in 
some inglorious battle. Which, in some ways, they had. Crackerjacks eyed 
the bones and flesh and skin of the hamster and fish and dog and cat and 
old man husband slumped over in an armchair and ferret and beetle and 
Rosie hanging from a noose in the pantry and the guinea pig, but she did 
not feast upon or bathe in the blood, as she so longed to do. Instead 
she packed her daughter up in a steamer trunk and sent her off to 
boarding school. More time to go to Celine Deeeyon! ("Do you like her 
Rosie? You do? I should have brought you. I had an extra ticket. Oh 
well. Go dust something.")

      Over in the Zarin Zone, Jill was horrified that her gay hack 
interior designer was acting like a gay hack interior designer by 
getting rid of her furniture and suggesting she put shutters on a window 
on the 143rd floor. So the zeppelins can't look in! Why was Jill slaving 
through this horrible, terrible renovation, perhaps suffering more than 
anyone else in these worrisome times? Because seven years ago she was a 
classical girl, or something, but now she's a "mid-century modern" girl. 
Which. Sigh. I was unaware that "mid-century modern" meant "I was 
standing in the kitchen scratching my ass and watching Desperate 
Housewives and I liked Bree's couch so I googled it and that's what a 
website said." But still, good for her. She deserves it.

      Alex and Simon returned from St. Barth's, miserable and wretched 
as ever, squawking and crawling over each other like a pile of horseshoe 
crabs. Nothing got done at their house while they were gone. They were 
away for like a week, and they seemed to expect a brand new mansion when 
they got back. But no, it was just exposed beams and nails and dust that 
they happily let their two young sons tromp through. Little Johan looked 
terrified, and kept murmurng things about The Floor People. Alex just 
chuckled softly and said "Oh honey, you know we haven't seen any of The 
Floor People since they took your sister, Madeline. They probably won't 
come back anytime soon." But Johan wasn't so sure. He'd noticed that 
things in his room seemed to move overnight. His toy firetruck that he 
swore he left by the nightstand would be across the room, pointed eerily 
at the closet. Waiting. He also awoke one night to hear scratching on 
the floorboards and he swore he almost heard a faint, nasty, tiny 
cackle. But Simon and Alex said no, it was impossible, that gypsy had 
blessed the house and rid it of Floor People once and for all. They were 
sure of it. Also, sometimes, in the late afternoons, they missed 

      Bethenny meanwhile was preparing herself for a date by having 
lunch with Crackerjacks. I guess subjecting yourself to abject misery 
for an hour or two is a good way to get psyched up for something, 
anything, else. Just so you might get the horrible Dementor chill of 
LuAnn out of your bones. Though she did not ask for it, Bethenny was 
served a heaping plate of advice from Lunz about how to date men. You 
see, they don't like being "too equal" to women, much like gay people 
appreciate not being able to get "quite as married" as straight people. 
Bethenny blinked at Crackerjacks, eyes glazed over and replaying the 
1994 Michael J. Fox film Greedy in her head. Cracks' advice: "You want 
to lean in really close... And speak softly... And ask him a lot of 
questions... And when he isn't looking, you just dart your hand into his 
pocket and steal his wallet. Then you wait for him to go to the shitter, 
and when he's gone you haul-ass outta there. You hotwire his Datsun and 
drive all the way until you hit Idaho. Then you let a drifter grope your 
left titty in exchange for a hit of crystal. Then you end up, after a 
fuckin' four day fuckfest bender man, whooo boy, you end up in Crescent 
City, Northern Cee Ay. And you cocktail there for a little while, dance 
at one of the no-beaver places for a bit. Then you hitch logging trucks 
all the way to Baja and spend a few weeks baked out and listening to the 
Allman Brothers and just mellowing the hell out. Then you meet a rich 
old dude who's throwin' money around like a Count or something at the 
Playa Club and trick him into marrying you by slipping some 'ludes into 
his Daiquiri and dressing your friend Tito up like a priest. Works like 
a goddamned charm. Man I fuckin' miss the 80's. You know what I mean, 
man? Do you know what I fuckin' mean? Goddamn." She sat back and lit up 
a Doral, blowing the smoke out in huge gushes. Bethenny smiled and 

      On her date, with a doughy chef from STK or whatever, it was 
basically an audition for a cooking show, as he explained in chipper! 
cheery! detail how to put lettuce on top of a cube of watermelon. 
Bethenny complimented how clean the counters were, then sat on one while 
eating. Which is fine. Next time you're at STK, remember this: the 
secret ingredient is Bethenny's butt. The date went fine. He was nice, 
but a sort of a nerd. He liked people to have "cool factor" or some such 
phrase that he read in the Burger King Kids' Club magazine. Bethenny 
played along but seemed less than thrilled.

      Which is what she said, essentially, to Alex when she was giving 
out cupcakes to strangers in Central Park for something called the 
"Salute the Sun" festival or whatever. Alex graciously came to help 
stand around and talk at the cameras. Bethenny said that she wasn't 
really so into the STK guy for like dating or whatever and Alex said 
"Well, you never know." Then she relayed the story of how she and Simon 
met while trolling the internet (of course! of course), looking for "one 
night stands." Which. I. Oh. OK. Has this ever happened to you? You're 
watching a TV show and someone says something gross that conjures up 
images of two windsocks made of human skin billowing into each other and 
all of a sudden, blood starts pouring out of the faucets and you hear a 
strange scratching on the floorboards and a acrid wisp of sulfur and 
clove cigarettes smell fills the air? Oh, you have? Good me too.

      I appreciate Alex's candor, which went even further to mention 
that she and van der Beauf beauf'd on the second date, but Holy Clams 
there are certain things you just do not talk about on television. Your 
weird Francophone children might see this someday, Alex! Bewaaaare! 

      Ack. OK. At some point there was a party hosted by Sting and some 
other idiot and all the Housewhines went to seem fancy and bullshit. 
REALLY NICE SUEDE GLOVE husband, and had an awkward encounter with the 
Duchesses McCord and van der Beauf. Basically, she ignored them. Which 
is fine. Almost respectable! But Ramona's reasoning makes little sense, 
as she's not really in a position to call them out on anything. Earlier 
(or later, who the fuck knows) she went shoe shopping with her 
life-sized doll daughter Avery. She put some sexy black fuck-me heels on 
her thirteen year old and then described her as "sexy." Sigh. Avery was 
clearly horrified and Ramona's reasoning was that Avery was 
uncomfortable having an attractive mom type. Which. Hrrm. I think, and 
I'm just venturing a guess here, I thiiiiink that Avery is probably more 
upset with the fact that her mother was the star of the documentary on 
which the landmark film Mannequin is based. And that when Ramona talks 
it looks her English has been dubbed in from the original Dutch or 
something. But what do I know? Ramona decided to buy boots with clear 
rhinestones in them. Outside of the store, Avery wept while Ramona 
stood, softly singing "Greensleeves" to a parking meter.

      Because Bravo has a sad contractual obligation to pay some 
withering attention to her, new and (probably soon-to-be-gone) Housewife 
Kelly had Crackerjacks over to her home—in Chinatown? Nolita? the 
Harbor? Who knows!!—for some sort of meal. Basically it was the dreamy 
Sam Talbot from Top Chef teaching Cracksy, Kells, and two blonde 
children how to roll chicken up in lettuce. Lunz managed to set fire to 
her fur coat because, you know, wrapping lettuce around things is 
tricky. Kelly accidentally impaled herself with a leaf of iceberg and 
fell over dead. Sam just whistled and backed away slowly, then turned 
and ran out the door. Cracky was left alone with the two blinking, 
blonde princesses. "Hellooo...." she said low and strange. "I'm Mrs. De 
Lesseps... Who are you..." The little girls trembled. "Do you have a 
house made of gingerbread and candy in the middle of the woods?" LuAnn 
regarded them, strangely. "And what if I did? Would you want to go 
there?" "I don't know," one of the terrified little creatures whimpered. 
Cracky's eyes narrowed to slits. "Oh you would. Trust me. You would." 
Then she noticed that one of the little ones had cut her finger with a 
lettuce shard. A small trickle of blood dribbled out. Her eyes flashed 
red. "Let me help you with that!" she snapped as she lunged for the 
child's hand. But her bones are rickety and old, and the child was quick 
and limber. "No, that's OK. I'm fine." The older of the two girls was a 
smart one. She made a cross with her fingers and said "I think it's time 
you left." A low growl came tumbling out of LuAnn's throat. "What a 
lovely home you have," she said disingenuously before disappearing into 
a mist of shrieks and smoke.

      Speaking of lovely homes, Jill went over to Crumblingdale to give 
Alex and Simon some decorating advice. Her first bit of advice was small 
but sage: Don't live in a crumbling shithole. She was, of course, 
terrified by the dirty chairs and the clothes stuffed everywhere and the 
nails and the pile of dead hobos and the dust and that Francois was 
lying moaning in a corner, giving birth to a litter of badgers. Then 
Johann came running out of his room. Jill was terrified. He was 
wild-eyed, his eyes red with deep purple bags under them. His hair was a 
ratty mess. He smelled of bologna and applesauce and stale B.O. He was 
wearing soiled underpants and was draped in a white sheet. "Johan, say 
hello" Simon urged. "Helllppp me..." the small boy croaked. Alex 
chuckled nervously. "He's just... Well, he's been having some trouble 
sleeping. " Johan shook his head. "They're coming... every night... I 
hear them... scratching." Jill's eyes widened. "Good lord, honey, who's 
coming?" Johan turned pale white. He leaned in very close and whispered 
"The Floor People."

      Jill ran screaming out of the house into the street, but not 
before yelling "You live in a shitty neighborhood, so any original 
detailing you find during your construction is probably shitty 
tooooo...." Which was nice. So Alex and Simon turned stern again and 
said "Enough of this nonsense, go to bed." The poor frail boy looked 
desperate and crazed. "But... But Madeline..." he whimpered. "No. To 
bed," Alex demanded.

      Across the river, Ramona's ears perked up. She detected something 
strange in the air, like a tuning fork. "Something's happening," she 
whispered. Nearby, LuAnn sat in her dark, ornate living room, reading a 
magazine. Her fingernail was running back and forth across the top of 
the side table. Scritch-scratch, it went. Over and over.

      Scritch-scratch. Scritch-scratch. Scritch-scratch.

      As they made passionate, gummy, slit-like love to each other, then 
slept the sound, snoring sleep of lovers, Alex and Simon could not here 
the scritch-scratch... 
scritch-scratch...Scritch-Scratch...SCRITCH-SCRATCH getting louder and 
louder and louder and Johan's terrible screaming and then a great 
hissing and whispering, like demons coming spilling out of a fissure in 
hell's marbled ceiling, more terrified shrieks and the sound of 
bedsheets tearing, of legs kicking, of tiny feet or paws skittering 
across the floor, a great crack of lightning, one final swallowed 
"Nooooo..." and then silence.

      When they walked into Johan's room the next morning, they saw the 
torn sheets and nothing else. He was gone. "So he was right," Alex 
stammered. "They're back." Simon nodded, gravely. "They're back. Well, 
they're not getting Francois, those fuckers." They ran to his room. He 
was lying peacefully on his bed, nursing his badger pups. Alex became 

      She ran to a window and began to weep. "Oh Madeline. Johan. Oh I'm 
so, so sorry. My dear sweet babies. I curse you, Floor People! And I 
curse you, gypsy! Liar. Lying gypsy. Oh Johan. Oh Madeline..." Simon 
came up behind her, he hugged her tight. After a while, he murmured in 
her ear, "Come on, let's get started."

      So they did. They sat right down and began their book, their easy 
guide to good parenting.
I am enjoying this season. It seems like everyone is playing their roles 
as expected. Alex and Simon are especially funny. They come back from 
vacation to their wreck of a home, and check the mail to see if there's 
anything that needs to be taken care of. Silly me -- I thought this meant 
bills that needed to be paid promptly, or something like that, but to 
these two, it was just a check on what invitations they received. I 
wonder if they put their name on mailing lists, and get invites to these 
affairs, somewhat like we do to our favorite stores? 

Ramona and she shoe shopping with Avery was creepy. Who would put their 
daughter in hooker heals and then get all weepy about how she's growing 
up? Do you want her to grow up to be a hooker or a stripper? I get how 
you can look at your daughter one day and see a girl, and then turn 
around and it hits you that they are growing up -- but I'm just surprised 
that 'f*ck me' shoes are what triggered that for Ramona.

Love Ramona though -- I love that they keep showing that clip of Alex' 
and Simon's little french poodles, whatever their names are, wreaking 
havoc on that dinner from last year. 'don't you know that you're at a 
nice dinner??" Like they were going to stop and say 'why no -- Good 
heavens -- we must sit down, be quiet , and enjoy our food now'. She's 

The Countess does not freakin' disappoint either. 

Bethany -- oh my goodness--- a great one-liner for the books, on Alex and 
Simon's book..'It ought to be a book about climbing through air 
conditioning vents to get to the right party.' LMAO. I wonder if stuff 
like that hurts A and S's feelings. 

Kelly is quite boring. Naming your daughter 'Sea' is stupid. A plastic 
horse in the living room is stupid as well. She is one of those 'two 
facers'. Sometimes she looks really good, but sometimes she can look a 
fright... All in the lighting I guess.

I will join those who do not love Jill's gay husband shtick. I don't like 
him, and I don't think he has very good taste. I would like to see more 
Jill, without GH.
I finally caught this episode and was pleasantly surprised that I didn't come away from it hating anyone in particular! Well, maybe Brad, but that's kind of 
a given. Even SIlex was (were?) fun to watch on this episode, and personally I don't think it's such a horrible thing to live in a house with your kids while 
construction is going on. My siblings and I grew up in a construction zone and it certainly didn't traumatize us.

The little chat between the Countess and her daughter seemed pretty heartfelt and genuine. That was nice to see.

Also, did my ears deceive me or did Kelly really describe Sam as DYNAMIC? Because that's probably the last adjective I'd use to describe Sam (Mr. 
Personality) Talbot. He's about as dynamic as a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal IMO.

And I had to LOL when Ramona told Bethenny that she's all regretful and mad at herself now for apologizing to Luann at Hope Lodge. Ramona is a loon...but God 
help me, I love her!
The Countess is definitely looking the worst on this show now. True, 
Alex and Simon are nutso, but they aren't rude and nasty to other 
people, and they do seem to (at least occasionally) plant their tongues 
firmly in their cheeks.

I am proud to say that I never liked her, even with the fluff edit she 
got last season, she seemed the "worst" of the bunch to me. 

The Countess so far this season?

	•Talks with food in her mouth, after giving rude and 
	condescending "lessons" at an awkward dinner.
	•Pretends to give a damn that Rosie is having killer jet-lag 
	then immediately puts her to work.
	•Doesn't notice her kid's pet has died.
	•Blames Bethany for not "getting" or for being jealous of 
	the fact that she is a Countess, and that people need and 
	want to read her book, because they...aren't.
	•Shrieks at her husband to get over to the riding arena, 
	while he was probably using the time to see one of his 
	NYC mistresses, since he knew they were all filming the 
	riding crap and he wouldn't get caught. (OK, I made up 
	part of that.)
	•Insults Bethany, and then accuses Bethany of "harping" on 
	it, while never once apologizing for the obvious-jealousy 
	inspired "are they retouching? I hope so!" crap.
	•Butts into a conversation about dating, implies Ramona and 
	Bethany are whores, then has a complete meltdown, in front 
	of cancer patients. Oh, while watching Bethany and Ramona 
	do the actually cooking. Cancer patients = photo op to Luann.
	•Insults the physical appearance of Ramona, mocking her eyes.
	•Boozily orders an entire crowd to shut up and listen because 
	she is about to be introduced, and cancer is sooooo important 
	to her, returns to the table and jabbers away with everyone 
	else until she is announced.

and that is just part of it...

didn't come away from it hating anyone in particular! Well, maybe Brad, 
but that's kind of 
personally I don't think it's such a horrible thing to live in a house 
with your kids while 
zone and it certainly didn't traumatize us.
heartfelt and genuine. That was nice to see.
DYNAMIC? Because that's probably the last adjective I'd use to describe 
Sam (Mr. 
oatmeal IMO.
mad at herself now for apologizing to Luann at Hope Lodge. Ramona is a 
loon...but God
Well we start with Ramona taking Bethaney in for the weekend in the 
Hamptons, and its off to the streets walking the dogs ,,,, trashing the 
cuntess.  Time for the one dog to relieve himself at the side of the road. 
AND YES, we have to show the finished product.  Real Class huh?

  Now the Cuntess is on.  .  The HAMPSTER died!  And now the Fish are dead 
according to the little one in the bean bag chair.  The Cuntess  is really 
loaded with sympathy. NOT!

  Now it is SNARLA and SIMON walking up to their dump with the brat.  Can 
you believe that they are living in this under construction dump?  Looks 
like the plastic millionaires are settled in for a long exposure to their 
phony high society friends.  Wow, wouldn't a picture of the dump under 
construction be a great cover story with lots of pictures for that high 
society column in the paper?  Get ready for the bonfire.  We must burn all 
of the papers, before Jill gets a copy.

  Now we are back to the cuntess talking with a mouth full of food.  She 
seems to be upset with her little "big man" son for putting the dog food on 
the kitchen counter before he fed the dog.  Maybe he should be serving this 
to his mom ... the cuntess!  HA HA Got ya!

  Now we are at The JAP's and her apartment is empty, and Bobby is 
redecorating,  Where is all of my stuff, asks Jill?  He wants t o make her 
living room look like a yacht.  And she leaves the dog behind, as she 
departs in disgust.

  Simon and Snarla are at the unveiling of a new CD party at the swanky 
Hotel.  Simon announces that they wanted those to attend that had influence 
in society.  Maybe they should have taken the screaming brat along to do a 
screaming solo.  Now they are under attack by the pack of wolves.  Simon 
calls Snarla "HOT" as they have both sip toooooo much champagne.  Time to 
pop another cork!  On to the next scene now.

  OH shit .. we are at Kelly's, and she is giving the Mrs. Dullichet, better 
known as The Cuntess, cooking lessons now.  Hey SAM is pretty cute. Let's 
send Kelly back to hose barns, and have SAM give us cooking lessons. 
Kelly's little children, sure have great table manners huh!.  Notice how the 
one little girl crams the lettuce in her mouth like a pig.

  Wow check out the shoe salesman that Ramona has him show her daughter an 
aray of new boots.  Hey, he's hot.  You take Sam the cook,  I get the shoe 
salesman.  HAHA!  OKAY, you get to choose first!  Wow they bought five pairs 
of shoes.  Wonder how stimulating all of these shoes were to the credit 

  Now, the Cuntess announces to Bethaney that Simon and Snarla are writing a 
book on childcare.  She almost looses her cuntess crown as she laughs away 
with a catty wit about her throne in la la land, as the horns start to grow 
from her airhead.

  Now Bethaney has a date with Todd.  She announces that he is her first. 
FIRST WHAT?  Now he gives her a plan, a smear, and a lesson on how to make a 
salad.  Guess we won't have to fight over Chef Todd.  Now Todd and Bethaney 
start to take of their clothes.  in the eating lounge.  She's impressed with 
his cooking skills as she moves closer to him on the couch.  She is so 
comfortable, as they click the wine glasses.

  Time to move on to the Health Expo, called .... Here Cumes the Sun. 
Bethaney is trying to sell her cup cakes to Snarla, and telling her all 
about her...  Chef Todd.  Seems to be more one side for Todd.  Please!

  Snarla meet Simon on line because they were both looking for one night 
stands.  They are so much in love now.  Wonder how much bank accou nts and 
social status had to do with it now.  Wow we have the "2 new one night 
social climbers", and you can quite me on this one.

  Now The JAP is visiting  Snarla as she wips off the throne, so she can sit 
down.  And now she gets a tour of the dump.  Did you see the Bunk bed 
bedroom, and The JAP says, you are not living in this, are you? Oh yes we 
are, says Snarla.  The JAP is looking for the dumpster.  She is now the 
decorator.  The dump should be done by Halloween.  Wonder where the witch 
parks her broom.  Wow sex on the top bunk says The JAP.  No more kids this 
year she says.
Bethany and Romana are walking their dogs in the middle of the street, 
bitching about LuAnn's hypocrisy. LOVED it! 

Meanwhile, back at The Cuntess's house, LuAnn is getting Victoria ready for 
boarding school when she discovers her hampster has died. I wonder if her 
manners book includes social situations such as that? LuAnn opines that its 
death was good timing since she didn't know what to do with it in her 
daughter's absence anyway. I found it odd that LuAnn had no idea that it had 
died and been buried in the back yard.

Snarla and Simon return from their fabulous discount vacation at Saint Barts 
to their hovel. Why is Simon dressed up like Mr Rorke? Oh nooooose! Their 
renovations aren't anywhere close to being finished! While they bitch and moan 
about the things that aren't finished and how dangerous it for the kids, you 
can hear their kids running around and screaming in the background.

Snarla's eyes light up when they discover all sorts of Fashion Week invites in 
their mail and starts massively name-dropping, including Jackie Rogers. Wasn't 
he mauled to death by a cougar over 30 years ago? I find it amusing the first 
things they check are related to their desperate social climbing.

Back at the royal mansion, LuAnn tells Rosario that she went to see Celene 
Deon the previous night, adding that she had an extra ticket but forgot to 
offer it to her. How declasse!

Jill drops in her gay bf who's redecorating her house and demands to know 
where her stuff is. I am incredulous that Jill had no idea what was going to 

LuAnn goes to Bruno's party. Holy crap! Was that giant leering oompa-loompa 
face Kelly's? Naturally, Simon and Snarla managed to get invited there too. 
I'm a bit confused as to why Snarla decided to go Goth and then put on a green 
dress! Maybe that's air duct dust on her face? Simon and Snarla tell LuAnn 
about their book on child-rearing, who reacts the same way she did to 
Bethany's news; with great condescendation about their qualifications -- Oh, 
the irony! Snarla complains about it being hot while her face looks like a 
baboons arse in heat.

In an attempt to justify her existence on this show, The Cuntess pays a visit 
with Kelly, who for some reason has a vaguely-familiar visiting chef teaching 
her and her children a recipe. I wonder if that's the man Kelly beat up 
recently? Shockingly, LuAnn doesn't introduce herself as "The Cuntess" for 
once. They all make some lame lettuce wraps. Bored now.

HOLY CRAP! Was that a stuffed horse in Kelly's living room?

Bethany gets together again with LuAnn and they rag on Simon and Snarla's 
qualifications to write a book on child-rearing. Beth opines that "they'd 
crawl through air ducts to get to a party". ZING! The Cuntess then butts in 
with more dating advice for Beth: Act dumb and vulnerable around men.

The next day, Bethany sets up a booth at the Sun Health Expo. Snarla arrives 
wearing a dark blue Michael Jackson jacket and confides that she met Simon 
while looking for sex on an Internet website and that she told Simon to "take 
care of her heart because you have it now" when they got married. Gag! (In so 
many ways)

Jill visits Simon and Snarla's hovel to show them some swatches for their 
remodeling. Jill thinks it's an even bigger disaster zone than the last time 
she visited them and almost has an embolism. They show her the construction 
area while wearing dust masks (apparently none were offered to Jill or the 
kids - what would The Cuntess do?) and Jill babbles something about how people 
used to hide their valuables (gems and jewelry) in the walls but they 
shouldn't get their hopes up. I'm not sure what she was getting at because I 
was seriously nodding off at this point.