webermpolarisnet 05 Aug 2005 Apparently, today's theme color is green and the featured item is grapes. She also apparently has an herb, vegetable and grape garden, so guess what the centerpiece is going to be? Yup, lots of grapes from her garden! She tells us what "healthy and low fat" food she's going to make and claims she's gonna cut some carbs. Wow, even the center piece is healthy and its from her garden. It is SO obviously plastic fruit! We return from opening credits to see SLop in her GREEN kitchen drowning a plant in the sink and setting it aside. Poor plant! She repeats her 70-30 credo for those of us who stumbled across this show by accident, adding you should use low fat margarine if you can and starts on her stuffed mushrooms. She says the proper way to clean them is to wipe the mushrooms with a paper towel. She then claims margarine has no cholesterol. She uses a basting brush to coat them with melted margarine, then turns them over and does the same with the inside and mentions these are great for every day of the week, like deviled eggs. She adds more margarine into the pan and says these are cholesterol free. She then adds onions but uses already prechopped onions to keep her makeup from being ruined ("NO tears today!"). As it sits in the pan she adds a 1/4 teaspoon (a 1/2 really) of garlic powder and tells us to sprinkle it evenly so its flavour is evenly distributed. She mangles some parsley and dumps it in with some Parmesan cheese. She then adds some lowfat cream cheese which she claims tastes just like the real thing and then says to use either herb seasoned croutons or bread crumbs or stuffing, whatever you have available. Idiot. How do you get those croutons into the caps? She then stirs the mixture so the cheese melts into the stuffing. That is going to be so dry! Oh, you could substitute a bell pepper instead of mushrooms and make it a meal. She then pops them into the oven and slurs that she's making ridiculous salad with almond crusted goat cheese balls (which look like the ones you see from Hickory farm with crackers) Her nephew Brycer left her a child's rolling pin, so, she's using it in his honor to crush her already crushed almonds for the goat cheese balls because she's too lazy to get out the real one. She adds half a heaping teaspoon of paprika. <over-dubbed voice>and this adds great color <end over-dubbed voice>. What the fuck just happened? She uses lowfat goat cheese, whatever that is. She says she likes them because <jump cut> delicious. They're nice and rich and creamy <jump cut> roll it into little balls". Whoah! Is my cable going out or is someone doing some really piss-poor editing this week? SLop confesses that she wants to eat the goat balls right now. Gawd, I hope you're not talking about The Wallet! She says too much bread is not a good thing, hence the nuts for the cheese. Wow, it's just like the crunch and flavour of an herbed crouton! Before we got to commercial, she stuffs a huge wad of left-over stuffing into her mouth with eye-rolling food-gasmic "Mmmmm!". We return from commercial to see SLop walking into the kitchen from who knows where (my guess is the bathroom, like what most of us do during the ads) and say that "Today is all about low fat and healthy cooking" and then picks up the phone and calls for pizza. No, just kidding. She begins her citrus balsamic salmon. She tells us "Salmon is so great because it has all those fantastic oils <over-dubbed voice> like the omega 3 fatty acids that u need to have great hair and skin and nails and all that good stuff <end over-dubbed voice>. I guess she had to look that up post production. She then pours some olive oil around the edges of the pan instead of on the fish or under it. She then puts the fish in and takes out the mushrooms. She makes the glaze in a non-stick saucepan and mixes it with a metal whisks, making sure to scrap the sides of the saucepan. She then adds a can of chicken stock from a can with label the intern made that week that matches her kitchen, or maybe she stole it from Rachel Ray's set. She produces a pan of rice that she already made, whoever THAT is done, and moves on to a black olive vinaigrette for the salad. She starts with balsamic and then olive oil, at which point I hear the worst post production voice over inserted edit yet! <over-dubbed voice>"Olive oil isn't exactly low fat, but I hear it's really good for your heart, and it lowers bad cholesterol and it's full of antioxidants!"<end over-dubbed voice> OMG, that's funny. She then adds a little yellow mustard and some honey with a "Whoo!" for the honey. As she stirs she says "Those fancy restaurants are gonna have nothing on you!" then shes adds black olives. Hey, you can buy prechopped olives in the store, did you know that? She then adds a dash of s&p and some oregano for flavor. My GAWD, it looks like diarrhea! I have never seen that happen before. SLOP chops the radicchio by cutting the head in half and then slicing it, followed by a good rinse and fluff. She then dumps it all into a serving bowl, core and all. She then pours the dressing onto the slaw as she tells us that the mustard will make the dressing thick, but right before she starts to pour the dressing, there's another sudden cut to an over-dubbed voice saying "The ONE tend thing I tend to not really skimp on is the dressing altho I feel a little guilty it's so good I have to have more!" as MV pours a stunt dressing, which was obvious switched out because MV made hers correctly, and then suddenly SLop's at the sink! I take back my previous statement about the worst post-production voice-over EVER. I swear someone is making the new intern do this for some reason. She tosses it (the salad) and tells us how the almond crusted goat cheese balls will make this just like a fancy dancy restaurant. She plates the mushrooms on a plate and the salmon on a platter of rice which was just sitting there and crams as many on as she can. She then drizzles a very runny and thin-looking glaze over it (it looks like Worcester sauce) and just has to shovel some into her mouth. After she closes her mouth she does a little hip jiggle. Hmmm, if I put my VCR in reverse, it looks like she's vomiting, along with the appropriate facial expressions. Once her mouth is relatively empty, she gushes that when we come back, she's going to show us a wonderful dessert that isn't "laden with calories", and of course, Kimbos Mojitos! We return from commercial break to a glamor shot of the ricotta rum cake and SLop walks in saying "When I think of dessert or cake, I think of something that is just chock full of FAT!" She claims the cake is "as sweet as they come and almost fat free" with a cut-away back to the cake. OMG! That looks NOTHING like the one we just saw! It looks like a vaguely cylindrical white blob with a pile of pink puke on top, like some sort of oozing peach pustule. SLop takes peach jello and gives an a super extended Whoooooo-hoooo! for the not-so-heavy container of grape juice. She puts the juice into the microwave for "just a little while", intending to use it instead of hot water. She takes a tub of whipped topping that is obviously Cool Whip, despite the half-arsed attempts to blur the name, and dumps the whole container of it into a bowl and then umm-um-ums as she cleans the spoon off, which she promptly puts in the sink. She then uses some rum extract to "embellish" the whipped topping so it makes it taste "like you've been whipping it up for hours but it just took you a couple minutes!" Wouldn't that make it...BUTTER? She retrieves the grape juice form the micro and adds it to the dry gelatin and tells us to dissolve it thoroughly, giving it a couple stirs and then dumping in a package of frozen organic peaches, telling us that the hot grape juice will thaw the peaches out in seconds. She then frosts the angel food cake on the pedestal with the whipped topping mixture. As she spackles it on, she says "ice it generously, make it nice and thick and look fluffy" and adds "with taste this rich, a little goes a long way" (so, which one is it?). She then adds some low-fat ricotta cheese to the peach/jello mixture with a "Whoo!" and asides that ricotta is great because it can be made savory or sweet. I am guessing she's taking the "sweet" option in this case. She asks if it looks like peaches and cream, to which I reply "Not really!" to my TV. She sticks it in the fridge to set it set up like ambrosia, but even better and much more fancy! With that she plops it into the center of the cake. Hmm, it kinda looks like curdled peach yogurt, but I don't see any peaches in it. The effect is like something a bunch of dermatologists would serve at some sort "My favorite skin disorder" themed pot luck dinner. She starts to pull away the waxed paper from underneath the cake but it looks like someone edited out where the knocked the cake off the stand and onto the floor when she removed the last piece of wax paper. As we cut to commercial, MV's cake has the crap in the hole but has a nice star like arrangement of peach slices on top. SLop, however, didn't do that with the one she just finished. And now, Mojitos! Ok, I have never had one of these, should they look like they have grass clippings floating on the surface? SLop walks in from off camera as the now-familiar "Sandra's Cocktail Time!" graphic appears (if this is going to be non-alcoholic, is it really cocktail time?) and shows us the recipe on a piece of paper from her girlfriend Kim with a stupid quote on the back, "A perfection not an invention" and a stupid smiley face, but I don't believe it for a second; it's written in crayon scribble. Into that pitcher that looks a LOT like one used for bedpans, she dumps some lawn clippings, err, chopped mint , lime slices, and the runniest simple syrup I have ever seen. During a sudden change of camera angle to an overhead boob shot of her pouring in the "syrup", she explains it's sugar water that's been boiled (no wonder it's so thin!) and says to add a shot per drinks worth, but she's just pouring it in. SLop suddenly produces a pestle of Biblical proportions and proceeds to mash the green stuff up to help release the juices form the greens. She says that an alcohol free mojito is great, because leaving out the rum makes it much lower in calories and how she and Kim had it was the best thing she ever had. But what about all that sugar you just dumped in there? With a "Whoot!", she adds some crushed ice and a splash of soda water and some lime juice. As she pours a glass and thanks Miss Kim, the bottle of booze next to the pitcher silently sobs "Sandie, why have you abandoned me?". Ignoring its cries, she teases us about her green, beautiful, natural, lush (heh heh) tablescape. And now, the tablescape: "A healthy and happy heart starts with GREAT food" but not at this table. She's calling it a "bouquet centerpiece", a trifle dish full of bunches of grapes and pears/apples and leaves, but I thought bouquets were made from flowers. Apparently it's supposed to double as decoration and alternative food source, because fruits are a great alternative to high calorie desserts. She calls it "edible and gorgeous", but that centerpiece is obviously plastic. The she shows us that she "tented" her chairs with little fabric pieces on the tops of the backs of the chairs. She then says we need healthy happy tummys to go with our hearts and that her recipes can be found on the Food Network home page (including that centerpiece, I guess), closing out by telling us to "keep it simple, keep it smart (didn't you just tell us to keep it simple?), keep it sensational, and always keep it semi-homemade", before stepping out of view of the camera.